How can you increase feelings of trust and strong discernment in new friendships when your paranoia threatens to infiltrate your new bond?
One common fear woman express about their female friendships is a lack of trust and discernment. Women share their trust issues with me, saying that they have the desire to enjoy close relationships, but also feel skittish, jumpy, paranoid, and unsure.
And they're coming to realize that this lack of trust is serving as a direct barrier to experiencing the kind of satisfaction they're looking for in their female friendships.
Here are three ways you can begin to let your guard down in friendships so you can begin to experience platonic intimacy and connection.
Rethink what it means to be "vulnerable".
For a lot of women, when they're talking about having trust issues, they're often using the example: "I don't tell anybody my business... I don't feel that it's safe to share what's happening in my life."
Sharing information about your life or giving insight into past trauma is only one way to be vulnerable.
In previous episodes of the Friend Forward podcast we've unpacked what it really means to be vulnerable, and we learned that vulnerability means that you take a risk of rejection. And the research does tell us that we do like people more after they've been vulnerable with us (it's known as the "beautiful mess effect").
So consider other "risks" that don't include sharing personal details of your life. Other social risks can include:
telling a new friend that you'd like to hang out again
sharing an idea with a friend when you know there's a chance she might think it's silly
letting a friend watch you try something new (risking failure and judgment)
sharing a goal with a friend
telling a friend about a recent "win"
That's vulnerability, and allowing yourself to do that is trusting somebody. You're trusting them to be gentle with you. You're trusting them to say yes. You're trusting them to show up and offer acceptance.
2. Evaluate your pacing.
How quickly are you sharing "big things" with new friends? How often are you trying to hang out when first meeting one another? How much are you requiring of new friends and how quickly do you expect it to happen?
Each of these things speaks to our pacing.
If you have a habit of engaging quickly, then you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. Getting to know someone requires you to make small bids of trust consistently over time. But if you quickly engage in these kinds of things, you might find that people take advantage or drop the ball. But if you are, instead, taking the time to see how they can be trusted with the small things, it should give you confidence and wisdom when gradually increasing what you entrust them with.
Getting to know someone requires you to make small bids of trust consistently over time.
You cannot rush trust. You cannot manufacture feelings of closeness. Now, if you've read my book Fighting for our Friendships: The Science and Art of Conflict and Connection in Women's Relationships, you know that in chapter two, we talk about what's called the "Three affinities of Female Friendship", and one of those is Secrecy. And we talked about how mutual self disclosure is the glue of women's friendships. So you have to share of yourself, especially in women's friendships. That makes us feel close. But you can do that in a gradual, slow, responsible way.
On the other hand, it helps to also evaluate whether you're moving at a snail's pace in friendships. It's one thing to be taking measured steps toward deepening a connection, but we have to make those small consistent bids over time-- at least if we have the goal of experiencing deeper relationships.
3. Position yourself to be more observant.
It's natural (and wise!) to not offer a lot of trust right away to someone who's practically a stranger. But there are things we can do to help us develop trust over time.
Watch how this new friend responds to things that you share. Pay attention to whether or not she follows through with commitments she makes. Listen to how she refers to other friends (both past and present). How do you feel when you look at these things objectively?
It also helps to remember that you don't have to be the guinea pig. You don't have to take your firsthand accounts and interactions as the basis for which to collect evidence of this person's trustworthiness. You can also observe how she talks about other people and engages with them.
But for some of us, we're unable to observe her with other people because... we don't spend any time together.
Now this is just a theory, but perhaps there is "thin trust" because we don't know each other well. Sometimes people applaud low-maintenance friendships and that might work for some relationships and certain life seasons, but one downside of consistently being more passive in friendships is that we have fewer interactions, which directly impacts the degree to which you feel like you know a person.
Our knowledge of a person increases when we actually share space.
While everyone isn't able to do this due to distance or chronic illnesses or lifestyles that limit their in-person interactions, think through ways you can increase the time you spend with friends. It's likely that having shared experiences will allow you to see them in different contexts, and that will paint a broader picture of who this person is.
That's difficult to accomplish through bi-weekly text exchanges.
There are two other insights that we reserved for members of the Friend Forward Group Chat, a space reserved for women who want more content and really value opportunities to dive a little deeper.
But for now, we encourage you to keep your eyes open to the positive evidence that friends can be trusted. Watch to see if they follow through and respond to things you share with compassion and confidence.
After witnessing this consistently over time, muster the courage to let your guard down so you can truly experience all that these friendships have to offer.
Want more friendship coaching and support?
Come check out our free resources designed by friendship coach and educator Danielle Bayard Jackson, or share with us on Instagram @friendforward or on Tik Tok!
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We provide advice on how to make friends, navigating toxic relationships, friendship breakups, and other issues common in female platonic relationships. Want to get closer with your girl friends or keep up to date with new friendship research? We can help!
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