Picture this: It’s Saturday morning. You’ve been taking it slow, easing into the day. And you have plans tonight - plans that, at this precise moment, it feels easier to cancel. You don’t want to, but you feel like it.
If this sounds familiar, these tips are for you: step-by-step self-coaching exercises for those times when the temptation to cancel is coming on strong.
Exercise 1: To stop cancelling plans, think of 'Future You'.
This may sound a little existential, but it helps to think about the "future" version of yourself. There's so much research around our relationships with our future selves and how they create present change (we strongly encourage you to read Hal Hershfield's research about the future self).
In this situation, we aren’t even talking five years Future You; we’re talking 12 hours into the future You. Think about how you'll feel driving home after your hangout. You'll likely be glad that you showed up.
Keeping this in mind can help keep us motivated to stick to our plans when our emotions are leading us to feel otherwise.
As an aside - some might say, “It’s not a big deal to cancel, life happens!” And it does, this is true.
But ask yourself: Is canceling the exception or the rule? If it’s an exception, and needed, then ok. If you are finding that you very regularly are tempted to cancel plans because you don’t want to hang around certain people or participate in certain activities, this is another conversation entirely. It may be there are some changes that need to be made in your friendships, or that some conversations need to be had surrounding the types of plans being made.
Or, you may simply need to consider if you should say “no” to more activities up front if it’s not something you truly desire to do.
Exercise 2: To avoid cancelling plans, contact someone else who will be at the event.
This is helpful because it creates some personal accountability; someone is expecting you to be there, so you'll be more inclined to show up. This could be as simple as sending a message saying, “Can’t wait to see you tonight!” or “What do you think you’re going to wear?”
Knowing that someone else will be anticipating your presence can help you to follow through on your plans.
Exercise 3: To follow through with your plans, try to keep the physical momentum.
To follow-through on your commitment, it might help to literally keep it moving! Lounging around, wearing your coziest clothes, and maybe even snacking on things you know will leave you feeling sluggish before going to your event wont' energize you to leave the house when you're ready to be social.
If you need to go to an event after work, really consider if it would be helpful to stop at home beforehand or to change into cozy clothes. Maybe head straight to the venue after work after taking some quiet time in the car, and then continue on your way to your outing.
Feeling ready and alert will help prevent the desire to back out from creeping into your mind.
Exercise 4: To avoid cancelling plans, consider your personal values (no, really).
This may feel a bit philosophical, but consider this: what is the “ideal version” of you like?
Is she an active, social person? Does she love connecting with others? Does she value prioritizing friendships?
Now ask yourself: Would cancelling plans and opting out of social events (with people you genuinely enjoy) align with these ideals? If the answer is now, we encourage you to rethink the ways that you can have your behavior match the overall goals and values that you have for your life. Bringing these things into alignment can help you to feel proud of who you are and more satisfied with life overall.
It can be tempting to pull away in moments of anxiousness, fatigue, or uncertainty. But whenever possible, use draw from these exercises to follow-through on commitments you've made to friends.
If this is an ongoing struggle, we can help. Listen to the Friend Forward podcast, or read part two of our new book Fighting for our Friendships: The Science and Art of Conflict and Connection in Women's Relationships.
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