The morning after the election, your social media feed may have been flooded with videos of people who were expressing their commitment to “unfriending” people they knew who’d voted differently than they did– both digitally and in “real life”.
While users in the comments praised this act (“Good for you! I’m doing the same thing.”), others dismissed it as a “petty” (“Shouldn’t we be able to agree to disagree?”).
No matter where you fall, it's important to take an aerial view of what’s happening.
If you just had friends and family cut you off, we hope the following message helps you understand what’s happening on a deeper level. And if you’re the one who finds herself pulling away from loved ones, this might validate your feelings.
There are three psychological concepts that might best explain the reason that the invisible tectonic plates in our relationships might be shifting after the election:
1. There are strong feelings of disillusionment.
Disillusionment is “a feeling of disappointment resulting from the discovery that something is not as good as one believed it to be” (Webster's Dictionary).
For example, if a woman believes that a certain political movement promotes sexism, racism, misogyny, ableism, and anti-intellectualism – all things she finds dangerous and reprehensible– it might shock her to learn that a friend placed a vote that advances this group’s agenda.
She might think, "My friend is not the person I thought she was."
This can cause a sort of psychological strain as she tries to reconcile her reality with her expectations.
It can also be wildly disruptive to our nervous system, according to Dr. Kira Mauseth, because our brains are “constantly scanning for threats” and it can make us anxious, overwhelmed, or angry. Engaging with friends with whom we’ve become disillusioned might spark this response.
The good news is that there is a “reconstruction” phase that can follow after this period of disillusionment, but it would be up to the withdrawn friend to determine whether she wants to maintain the relationship.
2. There’s a threat to social identity support.
According to a research team at the University of Pugent Sound, social identity support refers to “perceived support for valued aspects of the self that are related to identification with social groups, categories, and roles.”
The key word here is “perceived”. If you interpret your friend’s vote as a direct threat to who you are as a person despite verbal reassurances that she loves and supports you, you might perceive this act as contradictory to those claims.
Consider your various intersectional identities: maybe you identify as Black. Woman. Mother. Christian. Teacher. Social identity support doesn’t mean that you need friends who share those identities, but that you will feel affirmed with people who at least acknowledge and support those identities.
Having social identity support is important to feeling seen and affirmed, and one study finds that it even predicts closeness in female friendship. So it comes as no surprise that someone might pull away – consciously or unconsciously– when she discovers that a friend voted to put someone in office who has blatantly spoken or acted against any of the varoius aspects of her identity.
3. There is a threat to psychological safety.
This election seems especially polarizing, and discussions might have friends feeling a lack of psychological safety. This is a concept codified by Dr. Amy Edmonson which refers to “a belief that one will not be punished or humiliated for speaking up with ideas, questions, concerns or mistakes and that a team [or friendship] is safe for interpersonal risk-taking”.
If talking to your friend suddenly feels like a landmine, you might find yourself initiating fewer conversations. If you are still engaging with them, you might find that the mental labor of constantly measuring your words might be too great a price to pay.
Psychological safety is a critical component to healthy relationships where each party feels comfortable offering ideas and making mistakes.
Friends might be able to mediate these shifts by speaking openly about how they feel, but there are some who might find it difficult to remain in close relationships where there is a new threat to safety, support, and symmetry, and trust.
If a relationship really matters to you, you might decide it's worth the discomfort to navigate ways back to one another. But it's also possible that you've determined that despite how much you value the relationship, engaging any further (at least to the same degree that you did before), no longer feels safe or authentic.
It is up to each woman to decide. And often times-- no matter which way she decides-- feelings of frustration and loss might follow.
Want to learn more about the things that bond women in their same-sex friendships? Friendship expert Danielle Bayard Jackson might be able to help. Book a friendship coaching session today or order your copy of Fighting for our Friendships: The Science and Art of Conflict and Connection in Women’s Relationships, and skip straight to chapter two.
Note: Want to share these ideas with your personal or professional communities through social media or other modes of communication? We kindly ask that you credit the author (women's relational health expert Danielle Bayard Jackson) of the company, Friend Forward.
Thank you for sharing