For many women, it can be difficult to know if we're being caring or if we're being codependent-- it can feel like there's quite a thin line! So how are we supposed to know when our acts of care are becoming unhealthy?
In a recent episode of the Friend Forward podcast, host and female friendship expert Danielle Bayard Jackson interviewed psychotherapist Terri Cole. Terri's new book, Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency, unpacks key questions for women who struggle to not become overinvolved in others' lives.
Here's an excerpt from the conversation in that podcast episode:
What does it really mean to be codependent?
Friendship codependence can look like being overly invested in the feeling states, the outcomes, the decisions, the relationships, the financial situations, and the circumstances of the female friends in our lives to our detriment.
We're all lovers, we're all friends, we're all partners, we're all daughters, we're all sisters-- we've got lots of roles. Obviously, we love our people and we want them to get what they want in life. But when we're overly invested, we take on responsibility. We feel responsible to fix their problems.
Why might women attach in codependent way in their female friendships?
There are many reasons a person might form codependent habits, but there's something about female friendships that may allow these tendencies to thrive.
For many women, they see acts of care, emotional, support, loyalty, and platonic intimacy as ultimate traits of close friendship. So for codependent women, their over-giving and attachment to their friends' decisions, outcomes, and consequences can feel like displays of loyalty and friendship. It can be difficult to stop doing something that feels like it's culturally praised and/ or rewarded. Many codependent women might conflate their controlling and codependent behavior with being a "good friend".
What are some signs that a woman might be codependent in her friendships?
Here are a few ways to know you might be codependent in your female friendships:
Start with doing what Terri Cole refers to as a "resentment inventory." If you identify the relationships where you're feeling kind of put out, you're feeling a little taken advantage of, you're feeling underappreciated... then that might be a sign that you're operating codependently.
Then look at how you give advice to friends. When we are high-functioning codependents, we are auto advice-givers. It's like we can't stop fixing friends' problems. We can't wait to jump in with our "grade A" advice and tell them what to do. This is largely because them having a problem creates anxiety for us, and we're not not just feeling our feelings, but we're feeling their feelings, too.
Finally, ask yourself if your behavior is supporting your friends' dependence or independence. Are you doing things for others that they can and should do for themselves?
How does codependence impact a friends' sense of autonomy?
Feeling overly responsible for others and crossing boundaries happens with women who are codependent.
A lot of times, we'll be doing things for people they didn't ask us to do, but not realize that we might be trampling on their boundary. This might look like jumping in and centering ourselves in the problem.
Unfortunately, this leads to attracting needy, unhealthy people who become projects.
How do we begin to release codependence and move toward healthy behaviors?
Begin helping others in an appropriate way. When you're about to offer help, check-in with that person's autonomy. They may say, "No, I would love for you to just listen and not give me any advice -- that would really make me feel loved."
When we're healthy and not codependent, we take care of our own needs first. We also listen with compassion, not with the intention to find the answer or to fix. We speak truthfully
We can become resentful otherwise, and there's something really loving when someone has a problem to say, "What do you think you should do?"
Now you're more caring than codependent. You give freely, but consciously; you're giving mindfully. It's not a knee-jerk reaction to just fix what feels uncomfortable for you. And really, such an important aspect of this is respecting the friends of others to make their own choices and their own mistakes.
What are some exercises to tactically begin to move toward healthier relationships with our female friends?
For journal reflection questions to help you unpack your codependent behaviors, please listen to this latest episode of the Friend Forward podcast with Terri Cole.
How do we tell a friend that we're feeling smothered by her codependent behavior?
For scripts to help you communicate the ways you're experiencing your friends' behavior, please listen to the full episode of the Friend Forward podcast with guest expert Terri Cole.
If you'd like to work toward healthier female friendships in practical, gradual ways, please explore our resources page.
You can also book time with a friendship coach by exploring our services here.
In the meantime, we'll be right here rooting for you, always, on your ongoing journey toward better female friendships.
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